Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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