Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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