Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
