Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
