Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Randomize
