I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
