he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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