I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
