what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
