just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize