I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
