Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize