If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
