I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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