You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I had to cum in my sink.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
