if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
