Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
