Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
