so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
