Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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