I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
