and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I think I have vodka in my lungs
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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