Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
