I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
