Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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