just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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