Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
