Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
