I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
