The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
