peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
