Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Randomize
