I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
