He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
