oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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