Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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