he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Randomize
