Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
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