It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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