does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
