Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
