Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
