puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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