I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
