Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize