You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
We left an ass print on the piano.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
