theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
