The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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