Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
No I am not eating basil off your cock
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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