shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
