i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
