bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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