what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
