No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
