Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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