My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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